|
His knife's so dull it
wouldn't cut hot butter.
He don't know dung
from wild honey.
If all his brains were
dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow his nose.
He couldn't cut a lame cow from a shade
tree.
He couldn't track an elephant in snow.
He was so dumb he
couldn't drive nails in a snowbank.
He's as dull as dishwater.
He don't know any more about it than a hog does a sidesaddle.
He is plumb weak North of his ears.
He can't tell
skunks from house cats.
He had a ten
dollar Stetson on a five-cent head.
His family tree was a shrub.
He couldn't track a bed-wagon through a bog hole.
 He didn't have
nuthin' under his hat but hair.
He couldn't hit the ground with his hat in three
throws.
He was as shy of
brains as a terrapin is of feathers.
He can't tell skunks for house cats.
SKINNY/FAT
He is so thin he could take a bath in a shotgun
barrel.
He was so fat,
you'd have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.
If he closed one
eye he'd look like a needle.
He is so
fat, you'd have to throw a diamond hitch to keep him in the saddle.
He is built like a snake on stilts.
HAPPY
He was grinnin like a weasel in a hen
house.
He's as pleased as a pup with 2 tails.
He's grinnin like a jack ass eatin cactus
She was as chipper as a jay bird.
He was grinnin' like a baked possum.
LAZY
He's as slow as molasses in January.
He's too lazy to yell "Sueee" in a pig pen.
He moves as slow as a crippled turtle.
He's so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.
LIES/CROOKED
He's so crooked, he could swallow nails and spit out
corkscrews.
He told lies so well a man would be a foot not to
believe them.
He's as crooked as a dog's hind legs.
He's lyin' like a rug.
VOICE/SINGING
His voice sounded like someone forgot to grease the
wagon.
His singin' was
enough to make a she-wolf jealous.
He punished the air with his singing.
He had a voice like a burro with a bad cold.
OTHER
He didn't have manners enough to carry guts to a bear.
He couldn't hit a bull's rump with a
handful of banjos.
He was as drunk as a fiddler's clerk.
She's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of
rocking chairs.
He'd been in the desert so long, he knew all the
lizards by their first names.
He ain't fit to
shoot at when you want to unload and clean yo' gun.
His mustache
smelled like a mildewed saddle blanket after it had been rid on a
soreback hoss three hundred miles in August.
He was grittin'
his teeth like he could bite the sites off a six-gun.
It was so dry the bushes followed the dogs around.
He'd been in the desert so long, he knew all the
lizards by their first names.
He's as as dead as a
can of corned beef.
He's as welcome as a
rattlesnake at a square dance.
 This saloon's so bad, a rattlesnake'd be ashamed to
meet his mother.
He lasted as long
as a pint of whiskey in a five-handed poker game.
She's as pretty as a speckled pup.
He is as poor as a church mouse.
He's as rich as possum gravy.
He was as popular as a wet dog at a parlor
social.
He couldn't track a bed-wagon through a
bog hole.
Compiled and
edited by
Kathy Weiser/Legends
of America, updated
July, 2010.
|
She's so ugly, she
could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.
