Landscape near Argonia, Kansas, by Kathy Alexander.
I got this as an e-mail attachment, and since I am from Kansas, I just couldn’t resist adding it here. No, the Tourism Councils didn’t adopt these guidelines; it’s just for fun!
TIPS FOR TRAVELERS CROSSING THE MIDWEST
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when people from the coast across the Midwest states such as Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, and Nebraska, those states’ Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. To help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
Farmboy
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’ll get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Now, drive or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped — by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for — bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while many mallards make their final approach, we will shoot it. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth of what you paid at the airport for one drink.
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house; it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
Combine
11. So, you have a $60,000 car you drive on weekends? We’re really impressed. We have $250,000 combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks — because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute?
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too — and turtle. Do you really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go east & west–Interstates 29 & 35 go north & south. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So, every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot — his name is “Sir”… no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
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